Active listening and the power of being heard

How does it feel when someone listens to you, and I mean really listens to you?

We can all agree that we get a boost when someone takes time out of their day to listen to our thoughts, ideas or concerns. In those situations, we feel respected, valued, appreciated, important, validated or even understood. Remember these words as you read the rest of the article; they sit at the heart of what’s called “active listening.”

“The Art of Active Listening” by Heather R. Younger provides a framework for active listening.

The cycle of active listening is not just a concept; it’s a transformational approach to communication. When those at work feel heard, they become unstoppable in their pursuit of outcomes that serve your organization. When we get this right, when we listen to our employees and care about them, not just for what they can do but for who they are, they can and will move mountains. Everything you could possibly want as it relates to your organization – higher engagement, lower turnover, better customer satisfaction, brand loyalty – you’re going to get from listening to one another. If we know how to listen, our employees, our co-workers, our prospects and our customers will tell us everything we need to know to be successful and meet their real needs.

So, how do we do it? The active listening framework includes these five steps:

1. Recognize the unsaid.

2. Seek to understand.

3. Decode.

4. Act.

5. Close the loop.

Please note that in the cycle of active listening, being perfect is not a core goal; instead, the goal is to demonstrate grace and humanity. To achieve the goal, follow the framework. Let’s get started!

▶ Recognize the unsaid

It can be difficult as a leader to imagine a better workplace or move toward change until you recognize what’s not being said. You must recognize nonverbal cues such as movement, eye contact, tone of voice or posture, and ask yourself, “What is the current state? What emotions are my employees experiencing underneath the surface? What’s broken and needs fixing?”

Take the time to tune into what is not being said before you do anything else. Start by being curious about and prepared for whatever the truth may reveal. This requires vulnerability, which can be uncomfortable, and whatever growth or change might be necessary begins with that discomfort.

Brené Brown reminds us: “Vulnerability is not winning or losing; it’s having the courage to show up and be seen when we have no control over the outcome. Vulnerability is not weakness; it’s our greatest measure of courage.”

By recognizing what’s not being said and then seeking to better understand what you uncover, you will be ready to move to the next step.

▶ Seek to understand

We don’t really know another human until we better understand them. When you take the time to be fully present with people and ask questions, they feel valuable and important – and you gain the clarity you need to take the next step.

In any situation, we demonstrate we are listening by asking clarifying questions, making eye contact, leaning closer to the person and paraphrasing. The type of questions you might ask when seeking to understand is important to consider. Open-ended questions are used when you want someone to tell you their story so you can uncover more. Closed-ended questions are great when you need to know if the person is ready to move on. When asking open-ended questions, avoid diagnosis and stay open to learning something new.

Questions like, “What happened?” “What did they say?” and “What did you say?” are diagnosing questions in that they keep the person in the emotion and situation. If you ask questions like, “How did that affect you?” “What can you do about that?” or “What’s working well?” you are more likely to move the person out of their emotion and situation to think about next steps. I suggest avoiding questions that start with the word “why” because they imply blame, which can cause defensiveness.

Accurate, reflective listening follows every question. When asking questions that involve emotion, make sure you take time to acknowledge the emotion before moving to seek to understand. For instance, “I understand why you’d feel angry about that. What could you do differently next time?” If we do not take the time to acknowledge emotion, the conversation afterward is unproductive.

Once you gather valuable insights by seeking to understand, you are ready to reflect on your next steps before deciding which action to take, if any.

▶ Decode

This step is about analysis and reflection, so it’s going to take time. To keep your biases in check, ask yourself, “What point of view am I missing?” and then seek out others who have a different point of view.

For the first 72 hours after receiving feedback or a response, the brain is flooded with chemicals. This influences your emotional and cognitive states. To ensure fair and rational decisions, use this time to reflect and maintain a balanced mindset. You may find you need clarity and a bit of distance from the information you are decoding. If you are in a state of confusion, do more work to better understand the situation. Go to the person who can provide clarity and engage in meaningful dialogue. Remember that this framework is fluid; you might jump between steps, take the steps out of order or skip one altogether.

▶ Act

It’s time to act or, at the very least, decide how you want to act. People don’t begin to feel heard until they see those receiving their feedback or listening to their voices act upon what they hear, even if just some of the time. Know that it is not about the size of the action that counts; it is the intent behind our actions and the alignment of those actions to the person’s original request. Ask yourself, “Do my actions align with the person’s expectations and meet their real needs?” If so, you’re proceeding appropriately.

▶ Close the loop

The last step is where many people fail. Closing the loop involves conveying responses and actions to the people who provided feedback as you initiate changes or reach milestones. You might need to close the loop more than once. In some cases, consider closing the loop before you act by letting the other person know that you have decoded what they requested, said or complained about, and what actions you might take. Do not delegate this step.

When you embrace active listening, your company will experience profound impacts. It’s a transformative toolkit that has changed countless workplaces for the better.

Kelly Bosak is the chief people officer at Lettermen’s Energy, where she leads a small but mighty HR team supporting Lettermen’s employees nationwide. Kelly can be contacted at kelly.bosak@lettermensenergy.com or 816-679-1105.

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